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: Athletic World (NES)

Ok, I know I usually write positive reviews... even when I review games that piss me off. I decided this time to have some fun and just pick a game to pieces. Break it down so that you too can see it through eyes filled with hate. It wasn't hard to find a game like this, infact I found a shite-load. For this reason, I have decided to bring to your attention a game that has probably never even been spoken of previously. It's the type of game that; when you went to the video store to hire a game, they were sitting in the one spot, month after month, gathering dust and never having a 'I'm out till Monday' slip.

*Draws deep breath* "This is going to be fun"

The first "Donkey Turd Quality" game I came across was "Athletic World" for the NES. Despite it being a video-game where you practice sports (defeating the very notion of playing a video-game in the first place... I know! The paradox is mind-bending), I stayed focussed and worked through all of the events this game had on offer.

Now this game used the 'Power Pad'. "What is a Power Pad?" I hear you ask. Well it's very similar to the Dance Mats you use on games like DDR or Dancing Stage, except back then (because cd quality music and dancing games were a long time off), they were predominately for Sports orientated games. Much like the Sega Saturn, Mega CD, Dreamcast and Neo-geo it was just a great idea released prematurely to available, decently compatible technology. Only a handful of games were released which could use the Power Pad, thank God! I remember my friend bought one at a 2nd hand store for like $25 and we thought it'd be so cool. We were so wrong.

So the first event of the 5 we get to try is the Hurdles. I HAVE TO POINT OUT at this juncture that the average loading time at the beginning of each level is ... no kidding at least 50 seconds! Patience is not strong in my mind as an adult, can you imagine how a 10 year old (who probably had ADD) handled the wait!? No, you cannot. As soon as I begin, I realise the next 4 events are going to piss me off more and more as I progress through each. So I'm running along (All the while wondering if the movie "The Ringer" was based on my 8bit alter ego), as I approach the first hurdle I attempt to jump... attempt failed.

I can only assume the crosses representing my eyes means I have died. "IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?" "I'm a doctor!" "WHAT'S THE PROGNOSIS?" "Oh My God! It appears this man has died from sheer the embarassment of playing this game! LOOK AT THE CROSSES!"

So I give up on the hurdles and try for a different event. Luckily there's 4 others, which should present some diversity and a unique challenge with each one.

2nd event is the "Animal Trail" hmm, it looks very similar to hurdles... but what they hey! I have to try them all, so why not? I'LL BLOODY TELL YOU WHY NOT! BECAUSE IT IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS HURDLES! One small difference (apart from the highly detailed forest background) is that instead of actual hurdles, I have to jump PIGS!?


It's hard to believe that a company responsible for the Dragonball Z games on the PS2 are also responsible for this UTTER SHASH!
I try the 3 remaining events, holding out little hope that I will feel any sort of satisfaction.

No3 is the 'Dark Tunnel' oooh, I'm scared already. Hmm so while you wait out the incredibly agitating loading time, you have a chance to scope out your surroundings and discover that -LO N BEHOLD- the DARK TUNNEL is actually quite bright! Unlike the people who designed this game! OOOH BURN!

So I'm wondering what remarkable course obstacles I might be challenged to overcome in this level. More pigs? Maybe pits of spikes? Fireballs? DEAR GOD GIVE ME SOMETHING COOL! Oh... A hill. That's... um, THAT'S UM SHITE!!! I don't even think taking a hammer to this cartridge would make me feel better at this point *stops and considers a hammer to the head instead*

Not to mention that as I run up the hill I look like a constipated aerobics instructor.

The 4th installment in this effort of cruel and unusual torture is "Hop A Log"

Really got impatient with this one. Same basic principal as the previous level (and hey, why not use the same exact formula for every event? It worked so well with the hurdles!), 'sept in this one you have to leap from log to log.

I obviously have the brain capacity of a lemming on crack because I took one step and fell in the water! The funny thing about this level is that if you make it a few hops along the log then fall off, your character swims back a few hops, only leading me to the tedious inevitability of suicide.

Event 5... 'event' is probably the wrong word to use here but seeing as I REALLY want to stop talking / thinking about this game, I'm not going to think up a synonym. So the 5th event is jumping logs on a raft. It sux, you fall into the water lots and there's no way over the 3rd log.


Nothing more to say.
I thought, because I was only trying the practice stages that if I step it up a notch there might be some difference between the levels of difficulty. Wrong-o!

All that happens is that you get to enter your details. And not just a nic-name. It wants to know your Name, DOB, Sex & the Date. WHY? Are these details being directly beamed from my NES to Satan's Pentium 166?


*sigh* I hate this game. It is the 8 bit NES representation of all that is evil. If you do enjoy it, be sure to thank Satan and his minions, then kick yourself in the balls! I hope I never review a piece of crap like this again, but something tells me that Rodger will make me. Stay frosty!



Ranted by Benny J

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