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: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES)
Nowadays games based on movies or tv cartoons are considered crap before you even play them. But back in the NES days you kind of expected them to be great as they were based on something you might have loved or respected. I remember when I was 10, when the turtles just started coming out in aus, everyone just went crazy over them. So you could imagine the excitement when a video game based on the turtles came out. Back in them days it was quite a huge thing to have your own tv, let alone your own NES and the turtles game. But I was one of the lucky ones at the time. Anyway, back to the point; when this game came out everyone just went nuts. Remember the cool adverts they had? I remember my mum going "how can this game be bad?". Hahaha I think that was one of the things she regrets from raising me as a child. Was anyone else wondering why the turtles in the box art all have red head bands?

I'm not saying it’s a bad game, because it has quite a lot of merit as a game itself.. but it does some very odd things to make it very, very frustrating and damn near impossible for a 10yr old to be able to beat the game without a game genie. I just think it suffered from one too many design flaws. I mean, take away the bad jump parts and the crazy "instant" kill parts (more on this later) and it would have been a good game. Now let’s have a look how this game made my child hood a stressful one.

This game caused so much pain for me, causing me to break down, and throw something and saying "SHIT!" a lot while hearing "Douglas stop your swearing, we brought you up better then that" and I remember my reply "I CANT HELP IT IF THIS GAME IS F***ING SHIT" then that resulted in me getting barred for using the NES for a while, but that was a GODSEND because that game would seriously cause me to lose my mind. You know how girls would make you depressed at school if you got rejected or dumped? Well, I didn’t have that problem because no matter what happened this game just seemed a lot worse. My dad saw how bad I was getting because of this game and said, "Doug, if you beat this game, I will buy you any game you want" He knew damn well the odds weren't in my favour but damn that was a good excuse to try the game more, and from him saying that to me I got like 2 more levels ahead... but maybe that's why I was so pissed off in the end. So lets see how they made my life hell by breaking down the parts of the game that annoyed me like no other game had.

Level 2:

This level looked ok but then the jump in first part of the dam is crazy and unnecessary; then once you hit the 2nd part with the bombs, as a kid this took me like almost a few weeks of playing to get it just right. I remember going so crazy when I actually passed, this was very short lived however when almost all of my turtles were dead and basically got game over almost straight away; but I didn't care because I was like, over the moon with the cut scene! And being able to drive the turtles van was so damn cool.

Just a slight diversion, if you have ever watched the movie The Wizard you will see the "wizard" playing turtles at the dam level where you have to disarm the bombs, even the wizard sucked at this part!

 Look at this; his turtle is almost dead, sorry... but you have a whole game to win!
Hahaha look at all of his turtles! they're almost dead

Level 3:
The kinda more open level after the dam was a good addition, but after one or two plays it will basically show you that you can avoid at least 50% of this level, and if you play the game right you won't actually need to go "rescue" any of your turtles. Like, it seems in almost every level of this game there are these bloody jumps that are just a pain! This was another block in my way of getting any further as a kid, because every damn time you would fall into the water you would have to battle all the crap again to get to the point with a high possibility of having to do the level over and over.

Level 4:
This level wasn't actualy too bad... UNTIL you hit the "instant death" part, which is almost impossible if you don’t time it exactly right. No kid should be put through this much hell, not even a game genie can help you on this part. Think this must have been one of the discussions the designers had.

Designer1: Do you reckon we should put something in here to piss everyone off?
Designer 2: Dont you think the jumps were enough?
Designer 1: Nahh screw it, not like we are going to play the game. Lets make this kids life hell
Designer 2: Hahah I got it! What about a wall of spikes that the player has to almost jump and get right otherwise its game over
Designer 1: FANTASTIC!

Level 5:
Now this one. I think I just picked the right way because I just had to go through like 2 parts and I was at the technodrome battle bit. Now as a kid, this is as far as I got and it always killed me. I think as a 10yr old this was like a good attempt at finishing the game. But holly hell dude, why make the technodrome a boss?! It’s friggin huge.

Level 6:
You might be thinking "how the hell do I know what this level is like?". Well. after this game tormented me for so many years I decided to go out and buy the game again and have another crack; but this time with a game genie. This took the cake this level, talk about the biggest pile of shit ever. This is INSANE, so bloody hard, how the hell can you beat this without a game genie. The thing that did surprise me however was how easy SHREDDER was, but having said that if that thing he throws at you hits you it's instant game over for your turtle. After beating Shredder I was like "YEAH TAKE THAT BITCH" and I was so happy because I thought it would have a kick ass cut scene like in the other areas. BUT NO! NOTHING AT ALL.. all you get is April saying lets have a pizza and Splinter RETURNS TO A HUMAN, WHAT THE HELL MAN, and "YOU TAUGHT ME TO BE STRONGER" ummmmm you're the bastard that taught us how to be NINJAS; kinda makes me wonder who decided to end the game like that/ Nothing shits me more than an overally hard game with great cut scenes to suck at the end. At least end it with the turtles hanging out eating pizza and a "thanks for playing this game and for the pain we caused you all them years, we truly are sorry."

Just writing this makes me annoyed as this game could've truly been great (ok.., good) if it was dumbed down and a bit more effort was put into the ending. Being sucked into the show made it hard not to want this game. Now looking back at things, I'm glad this game was out as it gave me something to bitch about for so long. But that's ok now I have beaten it and bitch bout it some more I feel better. I think this game, as frustrating as it was, would always be on your mind. I'm glad it was part of my childhood, but damn Konami make your games impossible for "10 yr" olds. If you want to try this game out, its on the wii virtual console and funny enough its cheaper in a PAL region then in an NTSC region, which is dumb if you ask me. If you feel like putting yourself through this hell then good luck to you because you will be throwing shit and swearing like there's no tomorrow. I'm so tempted to throw the NES cart over a bridge right now but then in a weird way... I'd miss it. Then again it's like a bad ex gf you never forget.

Ranted By Doug

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